*** NSULosingStreak.com ***
Post #8: FEMA Advisory – 136 Unanswered Points
⚠️ FEMA EMERGENCY ALERT ⚠️
Natchitoches, LA – Federal officials confirm 136 unanswered points have been recorded
in the last two weeks.
Residents are urged to shelter in place, avoid watching replays, and wait for
the all-clear (expected sometime in 2026).
Officials warn that Prairie View A&M may cause aftershocks this weekend.
Disaster kits should include meat pies, earplugs, and a paper bag for hyperventilating.
Posted while applying for FEMA reimbursement under “catastrophic secondary coverage: football-related trauma.”
Post #7: Back-to-Back Checks, Next Stop Bearcats
Last week in Minneapolis was less a football game and more a Fourth of July show gone wrong.
Minnesota scored so often that Demon fans reported the stadium literally ran out of fireworks.
At one point, the scoreboard had to politely inform the crowd that they’d blown through the supply.
When your defense gives up touchdowns faster than the fireworks vendor can reload.
This week, the Demons head to Cincinnati for another money game.
The Bearcats are fresh off a 34–20 win over Bowling Green, and they bring
a quarterback who puts up more touchdowns in a half than we do in a month.
Bearcat Stats that Hurt to Read:
- QB Brendan Sorsby: 333 yards, 3 TDs, and ran for another. Basically a one-man highlight reel.
- WR Jeff Caldwell: 109 yards and a score. He breaks 100 so often they should just name the yard line after him.
- TE Joe Royer: 104 yards, including a 73-yard bomb. That’s nearly double our entire output last week.
- The O-Line: Gave up zero sacks. We’d consider that sorcery if it happened in Natchitoches.
And if that wasn’t enough, their defense trots out a tackling cyborg named Jake Golday (14 stops last week)
and a sack artist named Jack Dingle. Yes, Dingle. Losing yards to a guy named Dingle feels like adding insult
to injury, but here we are.
So how do the Demons survive this one? Honestly, the same way we always do:
blind optimism and direct deposit.
• Convince Cincinnati that ‘fork ‘em Demons’ is actually a dinner invitation.
• Offer Brendan Sorsby a Skyline Chili NIL deal mid-drive.
• Make sure the paycheck clears before kickoff.
Prediction: Cincinnati lights up the scoreboard.
NSU lights up the accounting office.
Everybody leaves the stadium happy for completely different reasons.
Posted while googling "How to get skyline chili stains out of a jersey."
Post #6: Demons vs. Gophers – Digging Our Own Hole
This week the Demons trade lightning delays and soggy turf for a trip to Minneapolis to face the
Minnesota Golden Gophers. Yes, the Gophers, nature’s most intimidating lawn ornament. Don’t let the
cuddly name fool you: these rodents chew through defenses like sprinkler lines.
Why We’re Here:
A money game. NSU gets a check with more zeroes than our passing yardage.
Minnesota gets to stretch before real Big Ten play. Everyone’s happy, especially the accountant.
The Gopher File (in plain English):
- QB Drake Lindsey: 290 yards in his first start. Our DBs may need emotional support animals.
- RB Darius Taylor: 30 carries, 141 yards. For him, cardio. For us, chaos.
- Defense: Held a 1,000-yard rusher to 25 yards. We’ve given up more on a coin toss.
Keys to Survival (definitely not strategy):
- Hope Gophers get distracted by tater tot casseroles.
- Slip their playbook into the Mall of America Lost & Found.
- Ask Mother Nature for another lightning delay, preferably until December.
“We’re not here to predict the score. We’re here to predict the content.”
Whether it’s a miracle upset or just another Big Ten donation, NSULosingStreak.com wins.
The jokes write themselves.
Posted while googling “can demons survive underground winters.”
Post #5: 1027 Days Later – NSU Wins a Game (Final: 20–10)
Break out the fireworks, light up the sky, and cue the rain delays: NSU football has finally won a game.
After 1027 days wandering the desert of defeat, the Demons found water in the form of a
20–10 Week 1 win over ASU. Sure, it took a lightning delay, a monsoon, and the football gods taking pity on us,
but a win is a win.
How It Happened
- Total Yards: ASU 301, NSU 267. Who needs passing yards when you can run into people’s chests for 182?
- Passing: We threw for 85 yards. Honestly, that’s about 84 more than expected.
- Third Downs: A crisp 3-for-13. That’s not “good,” but compared to the last 1,027 days it feels like elite efficiency.
- Penalty Yards: ASU: 123. NSU: 60. For once, someone else outdid us in self-destruction.
Scoring Highlights
- 1st Quarter: Abram Johnston to Ty Moore for a 15-yard TD. Fans fainted in disbelief.
- Punt Return Touchdown: Ty Moore again, reminding everyone that sometimes the best offense is waiting
for the other team to screw up.
- 3rd Quarter: A 72-yard pick six + a long ASU field goal cut the lead. Fans started bracing for “here we go again.”
- 4th Quarter: Ryan Tyler punched in a 1-yard TD behind an actual functioning offensive line drive, sealing the 20–10 win.
Why This Matters
After nearly three years of creative losing, this win feels like the ending of a Netflix series
where the writers finally ran out of ways to humiliate the protagonist.
It doesn’t erase the streak, but it does prove one thing:
NSULosingStreak.com may need to invest in a backup domain just in case the Demons get addicted to winning.
Posted while drying off from the lightning delay and Googling “how long until the next losing streak.”
Post #4: NSULosingStreak.com Denied Press Credentials: Apparently Losing Isn’t Journalism
Today, NSULosingStreak.com officially joined an elite club: media outlets deemed
“not real journalism” by NSU Athletics.
After applying for press credentials to cover Demon football, our request was denied
with the following words:
“A website with three blog posts – most of which are satirical in nature – is not a real piece of journalism.”
We’d like to thank NSU Athletics for reminding us that satire isn’t journalism. Someone should
probably break the news to The Onion, Jon Stewart, and 2,000 years of political cartoonists.
What They Overlooked
In just three months, our site has averaged 500 unique readers and
1,500 monthly views Not bad for a start-up publication with zero budget, zero advertisers,
and zero wins (hey, we’re just trying to fit in with Demon football).
Our readers don’t come to us for box scores. They come to us because they know there’s
nothing satirical about losing our culture — as one fan commented after hearing about the rejection.
Why We Applied
We applied for credentials because we thought it might be fun to cover the games from inside the press box near the sidelines or in the press confrence room.
Turns out, the view from the stands — next to the fans who live and die with this team — is probably closer
to the real story anyway.
Final Thoughts
So to NSU Athletics: thank you. Your denial letter is now our fourth blog post, and frankly, it might be our best one yet.
NSULosingStreak.com will keep covering Demon football, credential or not. After all, when you’re chronicling defeat,
the sidelines are optional.
—
Jack Wright
Founder, CEO, Editor, Definitely Not a Journalist
NSULosingStreak.com
Post #3: Big Ten Bound (By Accident)
In a bold move to boost the Southland Conference’s national relevance, officials accidentally used
Northwestern University’s logo instead of NSU's in a recent press conference release.
One anonymous source wearing sunglasses, a fake mustache, and holding a play sheet that looked
suspiciously like it said “punt on 2nd down”. said, “Honestly, if it gets us into the Big Ten, I’ll
change our mascot to a wildcat today.”
The source, who looked an awful lot like Blaine McCorkle, added, “Sure, we’d lose every game by 70 but at least the hotels would be nicer.”
Posted while Photoshopping Power 5 logos onto our 2003 uniforms.
Post #2: Lights Out at Demon Stadium
Literally. The lights shorted out in the third quarter. We blame the ghosts of winning seasons past.
// Actual play call from the coach's sheet
runBadPlay();
panic();
punt();
Posted from under the bleachers during the rain delay.
Post #1: 3rd & Forever
We lost again. Not shocking. But hey—we got a first down this week, so progress?
Posted after crying in the student section. Again.
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